You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
