My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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