Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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