You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
