I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
