I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
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I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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