Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have post one night stand depression
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