six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
