I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
