Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
