i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
