paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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