when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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