apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
