Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
