why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
