You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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