Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
