thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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