drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
