I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
