He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
