first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
