i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
