Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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