are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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