my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
