I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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