Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
