fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
