i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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