dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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