Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
