We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
