Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
