There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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