Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
