We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize