Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
