i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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