I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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