Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
