You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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