If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
