Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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