I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
