Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
