sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This baby is an asshole
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
