He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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