Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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