uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
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They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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