Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
