Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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