you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize