i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
