Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
