just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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